Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Guy/Girl Friend Hugs: Your opinion!?

A little while ago I entered into a Godly relationship with a young man with the intention of one day getting married.... what many of you call a courtship! I prayed day and night at first to make sure what I was about to do was within God's will for my life.  I didn't enter this relationship lightly. I am very happy and thankful that the Lord is growing us both in our relationships with Him and with each other. I will write more about this later. I studied courting and purity and wasn't even looking for a boyfriend when God put Him right there in my life and at my church. My parents like him and as well as all my siblings. We have started weekly Bible studies together and I am so thankful to God for blessing me with so many great things in my life!

Anyway, I didn't sit down to really write a lot about that topic (but I did- haha)....

The thing on my mind is something that bothered me (again) recently. It's bothered me in the past too.
My parents raised me (&my sibs) with morals; Godly morals. They want us to enjoy life but never do anything to dishonor God. We are to serve Him first. We are to live lives that honor Him and keep a good testmaony. I want to be a godly girl, as my blogger name states.

So Anyway...... this little occurance happens from time to time and makes me think...
What am I talking about? ......guy/girl friend hugging!
OK-It's a social situation- with other believers, other homeschoolers and Wham!- hugs all over but just often certain people.  How does a girl that wants to live Godly, and also have a Godly courting relationship handle this?..... you know what I am talking about, right girls?... I understand a close friendship where you would feel comfortable giving that person a hug but should it be done?  Certain types of people ruin this hugging thing all together. It's so obviously flirting, but then, others might have better intentions. Yes, I do think some of them do have those good intentions but even with those intentions how are the questions below answered?
How is it that in order for you to be friendly you have to hug most guys in the room.?? I have to say this often seems simply like an act of flirting. Is that how God wants us to show love? I am being serious here. If I have set boundaries within my relationship with a guy, I don't want all these other girls throwing themselves into his arms- "to be friendly".
I've seen it so often with certain types of people. What can you do about it? Nothing really, but isn't it irritating? I have many boys that are my friends that I would say I could hug if I wanted to ...some boys I've known since birth. Does that mean I should hug them everytime I see them to say Hello? I am just  saying we don't have to touch for me to show them that we are friends.
Once I am married I do not plan to hug other guys so why would I now? Why girls? Why guys? (I mean guys do this too so I shouldn't just be putting this on girls.)
I am not a "cold" person because I do not hug everyone. I am a little more on the shy side so, is that it? I don't think so... My teenage sister is pretty outgoing and she sees most of the same things I see with this.

What mature man goes into church and hugs woman that are not his wife on a regular basis? Is this a maturaty issue? Is it just because everyone else does it in my group??
If you hug one friend, shouldn't you hug everyone as to not make others feel bad? If you were in a relationship would that change your feelings? If you hug all the guys as a young lady, once you enter a courtship, what do you do then with him? If you hug everyone else won't he want something better than what every other guy in your group gets. (&vice versa)

I know many of you are thinking I am going overboard here but seriously-- think about it. So- am I wrong here? Should I be hugging guys that are my friends? I can't see how hugging all these guys really is appropriate or needed to show them I'm their friend.I do hug my closest (girl)friends and my immediate family but I truly do not overdo it and try to not do this if I feel I am excluding anyone around or would make them uncomfortable.

I would REALLY like your input here. I hope if you read this, you will comment and tell me your honest thoughts on this topic. I can't say for certain if it is wrong but don't feel it's right either.
Most huggers and huggees can be innocent here but then again,  it is full body contact.
1.If you were in a relationship would that change your feelings on hugging others? And, if you are only hugging when single isn't that really just flirting?
2. What if you hug some people and leave others (either b/c you are not as close or they don't hug), Doesn't that make an awkward situation and if you are truly hugging to show you care or being a good friend and being Godly, then what about considering the feelings of those others?
3.What if a guy/girl you aren't close to wants to give you a hug?
4.What if you know the guy "likes" you. Does that change your answer?
5. Could this be a stumbling block for some boys? Do the girls that are being such "good friends" even care about this?

This is just something I wonder about from time to time. I am still not sure if there is a certain RIGHT answer but often see it happening and also see problems with it sometimes.
Remember I don't mean family hugs. I am talking guy/girl friendship hugs. I also don't mean side hugs. I mean a full hug/squeeze.- (body-to-body contact)
Even if "the group" accepts this as ok- is it staying pure? Do you think I am going too far?  Well... If someone gets "used to" touching and hanging on the opposite s*x doesn't that then make this very casual? I am not trying to make a mountain out of a molehill with this but these are things I have really wondered about. And I want to hear how other conservative Christians (both guys and girls handle this and what they think about it)

Please help me here and let me know what you think about this. Please no rude or crude comments here. I'd like to here from fellow Christian readers.


  1. The way I heard it put once was, "Outside of marriage, no physical contact. Once married, anything goes." Now, of course, you don't have to freak out if a guy hands you something and you touch hands. Not a big deal at all. But hugs? Pretty intimate in my book.

    I try to totally avoid hugging boys as much as possible. If there's a situation where I can't, I make it as much of a side-hug as possible and as short as possible.

    My 2 cents worth :)

    So excited for your courtship, by the way!!!! I had no idea!!!!

    1. Thanks for your thoughts, Lisa!
      Also, thanks for your sweet comment about my courtship. I always just wanted to be a Godly wife and mother and I am thankful God put the right man right in front of me this past Spring. I wasn't really even thinking of it happening anytime soon, but the Lord has blessed me very much. I'm sure you'll hear more if I can manage more time for my neglected blog. :)

  2. My daughter showed me your blog, since purity is a passion for me. I appreciate your post. Keep standing firm on solid ground and don’t be swayed by what others are doing around you, even if they are homeschooled! I agree with you that this kind of hugging, “guy/girl friendship hugs…. a full hug/squeeze.- (body-to-body contact)…” is probably inappropriate. That kind of hugging should be saved for your husband when you are married. A body to body hug is going to stir up things in a guy that you do not want to stir up! Girls may not realize the hormones that are raging in a young man. Our culture has drifted so far from what is a godly and biblical way to relate. Culture says be sexy. God says, “ Flee also youthful lusts; but pursue righteousness, faith, love, peace with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.”( 2 Tim 2:22) Culture says get the guy with your body. God says “Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing, But a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised.” (Prov 31:30)
    There is power and beauty in the waiting. Women especially have the responsibility to remain modest and chaste. You will attract the wrong kind of guy by using your body, flirting etc. Modesty is not just in the dress but in the body language. You also asked, “What mature man goes into church and hugs women that are not his wife on a regular basis? Is this a maturity issue?” I would say definitely. So girls, don’t be immature along with the guy, be modest and make him wait to get those kind of hugs from his wife.
    John Ensor in his book, Doing Things Right in Matters of the Heart, says this about modesty.
    “How do women transform immature men into mature ones? Through the power of their modesty and chastity. Such women understand not only the moral clarity of God’s Word, but they also see the wisdom in his commands to abstain. When women wait, the impatient male predator will go elsewhere, which protects them from the wrong man. The immature man, however, is forced to consider what changes in his life need to be made…Sisters, there is power in waiting. If you give away this God-endowed power and simply act, as the apostle Paul said, “like the Gentiles who do not know God” (1 Thes. 4:5) and satisfy his lusts, you undermine God’s work of maturing manhood. So part company with the crowd. Become a nonconformist. Swim upstream. Those who go with the flow in this matter are more likely to get the flotsam floating down the current. There are potentially good men in the mix, but how will you know the seemingly mature predatory male from the immature provider-protector type of man who is ready to grow up? Purity is the litmus test. Waiting will reveal the heart of the matter.”

  3. I think it's great that you are asking these questions!! Your sensitivity to what the Lord would require of you is a wonderful thing.
    I agree with your feelings that guy/girl hugs are wrong. As you said, you can not do anything about other people's actions. But you can guard your own heart and body. If you happily offer your hand to be shaken perhaps when a guy approaches you for a hug they would eventually learn not to hug you but also that you aren't being cold to them. This may be an approach that a guy could take towards girls who attempt to hug him.
    Keep following the Lord and He will bless you. :)

  4. Congrats on the courtship! I'm glad to hear that your not being swept away be emotions like other girls are:)
    Having never had a boyfriend (or anyone relationship even resembling that) I can't say anything out of experience. What I can say is from the advice of trustworthy Christians who have gone through these relationships and learned from their mistakes. What I am planning on doing in a serious relationship like this (if its in Gods plan for me) is to talk with my "significant other", along with his and my parents and discuss what the boundaries are going to be throughout our courtship eg. hugs, holding hands, ect.
    As of now I don't go legalistic by saying that "I will never hug a boy". Only on the rarest occasion (for me at least) does it turn out that giving him a hug is appropriate. It really is a matter of the heart. I ask myself questions like:
    What are my motivations in hugging him?
    Is hugging him going to cause him to sin even if it doesn't effect me?
    Am I being honest with myself and God?

    I think Mrs. Laura (above) stated just how I feel about it:)
    I'll be praying for you and "him" in your relationship!